Everywhere I look, and every conversation I have at the moment seems to highlight ‘mums’. No doubt the passing of Queen Elizabeth II has had an effect on us all, some more profoundly than others. When discussing the subject with my friends I find either myself or them stating ‘ I’m no royalist but... ‘ .There are so many buts, because the Queen was a timeless symbol, a stoical leader, a mother to the nation; the fact that she has impacted us in so many ways makes you realise that she was wrapped around all of our existences without us even noticing.
This royal figure head, appearing on everyday things, our letters, our money, our everything ...there she is the background, standing strong, and through her death we began to understand her life, everything that she achieved and indeed sacrificed. It seems that being born into such a family is a huge responsibility, one of them being the life long promise to support the Prime Minister and a set of argumentative politicians making embarrassing mistakes! (Honestly, they do get themselves into a pickle don’t they?!).
What a job she had!
When are WE going to learn that lesson? To take more notice of people when they are living and stop putting everything off with ‘ I don’t have the time’? (We do, but we tell ourselves we don't, because it eases the guilt we don't want to feel. Ouch, yes I said it! )
I’ve said this before you know, but it's true that energy goes where energy flows. Time is the most precious gift you can give, finding the time for those that you love and care about says far more than a grand gesture.
As a mum of zero children, but an auntie to a chosen few, I feel myself qualified to pass comment on the role... it’s SO FREAKING HARD. To be there, for everything, all of the time, without rest or release and to be the constant source of food, money, discipline and happiness, it is indeed a life’s work. The most important job anyone could do. Mothers in all their forms are super heroes! I mean seriously, have you seen everything they have, physically and metaphorically, in their back packs? They are the bomb! They function on little sleep, and simultaneously manage to keep other humans alive, whilst multitasking and being permanently distracted.. It's a mystery... but the common thread through it all is love.
A matriarchal role isn’t exclusive to biologically having your own children, for me it’s a way of being. As the oldest child, having two half brothers and being considerably older than both of them I have always found myself in more of a parental role. Having a nurturing and protective nature, along with being fun loving and bloody bossy, I make the best older sister! When sh*t goes down, I get the call... not just from my brothers but from everyone.
Growing up I lived with my mum in a two bedroomed flat behind a cinema and a supermarket in the town of Quinton, Birmingham. Every other weekend my eccentric, head master father would come and collect me and take me off to Derbyshire for outdoor adventures and fun time. Fun time where I could run free in play clothes and let go of the order and control that consumed me during the time I spent with my mum. My mum was wonderful, she was my everything and I was hers; I was her friend, her partner, her life raft... what a responsibility...
Her smile can light up the galaxy, her voice bellows across a room. This powerhouse of a woman is only 5 ft 2 inches tall and she has the most stunning light blue eyes. The love that pours out of her for me is tangible, I am her everything. I am the only person that visits her and I am her world. This is all my responsibility and it’s so hard; I never expected a role reversal this soon.
For my mum to maintain the balance she needed she controlled everything., from what I wore, what I ate and where I went. I lived in fear of being told off for not putting the cushions back correctly, or not wiping down every last drop of water from the shower. It was down to my mum to keep it all together, because if she fell apart what would happen? Unfortunately I discovered the answer to that question because she did indeed, eventually, fall apart.
What actually happened was catastrophic and changed the trajectory of both my life and hers. This event catapulted me into a rebellion, and ultimately a realisation that it was me that was in charge now. Forever in charge, responsible for my own mother. The mother that had looked after me and loved me so much that I couldn’t breathe. It was now my turn, and I was 20 years old.
I have since discovered that my role in life seems always to point in the same direction, that of caring for others, putting others first before considering my own needs, always focused on how I can help, support and gently nudge them in a more helpful direction. Doing this makes me feel good, like I'm making a difference, it triggers my happy hormones and gives me the satisfaction that I need, it helps me to sleep at night.
When I try to be everything to everyone though, I do fall flat on my face, it's just not possible to achieve, and there’s not enough gas in this tank anymore, so I’ve decided to choose where I spend and send my energy. As I’ve grown older I have realised that those who don’t learn through their own, personal cycles of life, it's impossible for me to give help. and I can no longer expend my energy on those who don’t or won't wake up and recognise their own particular cycle, because they become energy vacuums for me; I just can’t function anymore with these people.
Who are your energy vacuums? Who in your life drains the happy, listens to your counsel born of experience and then does nothing? Tedious isn’t it? It doesn’t need to be. If you find yourself in that situation, the decision that you make will determine how you ultimately live your own life going forward. Not everyone can be saved from themselves, I've learned that particular lesson a few times.
I couldn’t save my mum when it all fell apart, I wasn’t old enough or equipped to do it. No one could really help, no one really knew the full extent of the problem or what an impact it would have on my life, or hers actually., and today is her 72nd birthday. She lives in a nursing home, that she thinks is a temporary fix, it’s not. Last year I had to empty her flat, and throw away most of her belongings, keeping only a very few. She’s never going home.
Now I have stopped trying to save everyone because I couldn’t save her. I understand my patterns, I recognise what I do and why I do it. I’m now far more savvy about where I spend my time, and how I spend it. I enjoy being sober these days, being outdoors, breathing in clean air and spending time with people that make me glow.
Now it’s about me.....me, valuing myself and maintaining my own authentic way of being.
Are you your authentic self?
It is with love that I urge you to take a moment to think about all the wonderful things your mum or that special matriarchal figure has passed on to you. How have they shaped and enriched your life?
My mum has given me grit and determination, she also gave me so much love that there is enough for everyone, but most of all she gave me that opportunity to be different, she taught me that it’s okay to be a little nuts... all the best people are!
Happy 72nd Birthday Mummy Hurt
No tights today...