Image credit Bruno Cavellec - Artist and family friend
Here we all are, past the starting line of 2023 and firmly into February. Over the last month my little friend anxiety has been popping its head in, just to remind me that I’m human and draw my attention to the reason I take anti depressants! I can’t believe how many years of my life, of my entire existence in fact, was dictated by anxiety. When anxiety pops over, it’s like I'm on one of those rides at Alton Towers, never knowing which direction I’m travelling in, having that funny feeling in your tummy that something just isn’t 'right', and that 'niggle' can quickly reach a rather disabling stage where your resolutions and sense of purpose turn to jelly.
In January, I had the blues. I wasn’t alone, my friends had them too! That vacant, 'What is there to be excited about?' feeling, where everything is just blah. Of course everything isn’t just blah... I’ve plenty of things to be incredibly happy about and so many things in the calendar, but that dip left me questioning my life and prompted me to make some changes to it.
So you could say I turned it around, and I’d agree! I call it Bounce Back... like Tigger!
Not everyone has that happy knack, or can get there that quickly.. I know. When I’m feeling blue, and that little bit of depression kicks in, I have learned to just let it be. Surely our minds do this for a reason, they blank, they remove the colour and leave us in black and white, so that we're released from the overthinking. The trouble is, the emotive response or lack of it also is a bit of a mind f*ck isn’t it?
Thankfully, with the old black dog firmly behind me and new horizons ahead, I've found that little episode rather useful. A wobble can often be thought provoking and cause you to go down a few rabbit holes, enabling you to see where you can tread differently.
Here's a question for you..Is a negative really a negative if you can come back with a positive response?
As a child I was called ‘Little Miss Sunshine’, always bright and happy, and although this is still my default position, when I am not those things it’s pretty obvious to those around me! ‘Little Miss Raincloud’ doesn’t have that same radiance! It can leave people confused and less likely to approach you, and that's a shame because that’s when you need others the most.
If you look beyond someone's bubbly exterior, you can find that those who spend their life making others happy are secretly craving happiness and recognition themselves.
Enter us empaths... us superheroes aren’t afraid of Little Miss Raincloud are we? Nope, we drink that stuff up. Listening, supporting, and in turn validating our own feelings and rescuing others. Selfless? No not really, it makes us feel important, satisfied, to know that we have helped and supported someone else. That helps us sleep at night and fills our own cup. It’s also a distraction from our own issues, but without our own issues we wouldn’t be so skilled in helping others now would we? I think that's called ‘wisdom’......
My mission to support others is my reason for blogging. I believe that by sharing my experiences with you I can help you realise that you’re really not alone. Feeling alone, isolated and misunderstood can lead anyone down a narrow path, navigating bitterness, frustration, fear and sadness.
I learned about five years ago that I had health related anxiety. At its peak it consumed me, and left me in a very dark place. It was from that dark place that I realised that I had to do something about it, because the terror I lived through on a daily basis left me feeling that there was very little to live for. Since that time I have been taking anti depressants for anxiety, and let me share right here that it was a real ‘shame struggle’ to get me onto those bad boys, but I will never look back. The best thing I ever did, and I wish I’d done it sooner.
For those who have no idea about health anxiety let me help you to understand. Those that suffer fixate on the slightest thing that's wrong with them, going from the smallest to the biggest in 60 seconds. We obsess, every waking moment, if we make it through 5 minutes without a stomach churning, pulse surging feeling we are doing really well. We live permanently in fight or flight and there’s no let up, no down time, just a constant state of alertness. A headache that lasts too long.. a brain tumour. A toenail that you’ve stumped on the bed and it’s gone black... some form of cancer. We are utterly obsessed, and it won’t stop. Some sufferers feel that they want a full body MRI and every test under the sun, but for others ( me included), the thought of going to the doctor sends them into a tail spin.The blood pressure soars- white coat syndrome, the shakes, the cold sweats. 'What if they find something? It’s better not to know!'
All anxiety is a thief, it steals your time, your equilibrium and your sanity. It’s debilitating in every way, and it can temporarily change a person. The good news is that this isn’t who you really are. The transition between your essentially rational self and that irrational anxious self can be very frightening. You can feel that you’re disappearing, but getting the support of others who understand is crucial. To feel understood, heard, and to realise that this is an illness is vital.
I clearly remember questioning my doctor after he broached the subject of anti depressants. At the time I was on every alternative supplement that you can lay your hands on! I don’t like taking medication, I prefer the alternative therapies.
I said ‘ this medicine isn’t going to take away my anxious thoughts is it?’ to which he answered yes, it will take away your anxiety surrounding those thoughts. ‘That’s what they do Alexandra....’. Well well well!
And they did! Not without a period of adjustment mind you, the first few months were a bit rubbish, but then they weren't, I felt free!
That freedom from fear was astonishing. It allowed me to change my life in ways that I could only have dreamt about. It took away my fear of failing, and gave me self belief like I’d never had before. I tried new things without questioning myself and anxiety getting in the way. It was then that I realised I’d been a prisoner in my own mind since childhood, chained to my anxious mind, cautious about everything, just in case it went wrong.
My health anxiety hasn’t just gone away, it’s still there but I find can reason with it now.
So for those people that look into the lives of others and presume that they don’t have demons, let me tell you that you’re wrong. Ask the right questions and then listen!
Look out for those bubbly people in your life. No one has life figured out, so don’t be fooled by what people tell you, look deeper. People will show you what they want you to see, look beyond that to see the reality.
And to those ‘sloppy empaths’ out there, learn to protect your boundaries, pick and choose when you use your super powers... they are precious.
My life is pretty amazing, I have found my best friend, love and light of my life all in one. I’ve got some straight up incredible family and friends... and some new friends that have brought me a new flavour and depth. Anxiety doesn’t define me, but does live within and that’s okay. I am grateful for all I have, even the anxiety.
My hope is that sharing these thoughts has helped at least one reader know that they’re not alone.
Ps - pink tights all the way!