Feels Like Home

We didn’t get to where we are today without life’s tapestry weaving out some patterns. After all, we are but a sum of our own experiences, thoughts and family history.

Right here as I write, feelings swirling, head full of balloon like thoughts my anxiety has a hold. Old patterns, persistent thoughts on the wheel of the unreasonable, and the completely crippling anxiety trip of dread. Sound familiar?

Better out than in mum says. So I write.

My blog is dedicated to my best friend Kelly, it’s her birthday on 9th December and she hates it more every year. I have a rather special memory of preparing a treasure hunt for her whilst we worked together at sea. Running between departments, officers, staff and crew looking for clues and gifts along the way. She loved it, how I wish we could do that again.

22 years later, I sit here in my lounge as the snow falls and sprinkles a disappearing carpet of white, whilst Kelly is still firmly planted in the sand pit, that is Dubai.

Kelly for those that know her, is probably one of the kindest, but equally most fun souls you will ever meet. Enigmatic barely scratches the surface. You’ll hear her before you see her… and therefore perhaps now, you can understand why we are best friends.

I find the most interesting of people can tell you a story of how they got to be who they are. Kelly is no exception.

The make up…

There comes a time, usually in your twenties… when you realise that your parents are people. It’s rather alarming actually, as you have built them up in your mind throughout childhood to be some type of faultless figure. When you realise they’re not, the bottom of your world can feel like it’s dropped out.

The audacity that these people who have danced on their pedestal telling you what to do, are in fact completely imperfect. For some of us, we realised this earlier than our 20’s. For some of us, we realised it all too early and it shaped the way we decided to live.. or indeed escape.

We seem to understand more about ourselves once we focus inwardly. As frighteningly introspective as that sounds, knowing who you are helps you to know - how you are. The formative years, where our parents truly believe they are doing their absolute best, in later years get scrutinised through therapy sessions, along with the very same perspectives we had as a child.

How do you know if there is bite out of the apple without checking the whole fruit? It’s all about perspective.

With new glasses on, in our later years we begin to understand our parents and how history doesn’t have to repeat itself. We work hard at being who we are, and leaving at a young age to grow into adulthood without parental influence did us well. Without influence, and close proximity you gain your very own perspective. This can be seen as selfish, but I think we will call it survival.

A craving for connection and the perfect family life that doesn’t exist drives anxiety and saddened thoughts. Especially on birthdays and holidays. Less about what you have and more about what you don’t. That won’t serve you anything but self pitty and a shitty time.

Moving on…

There are some people in your life that just feel like home. Their voice, their presence and their laughter and your history, leave you with a complete feeling that fills you with love. This for me is Kelly. We are there for each other for all the important times, no matter what and it’s a solid bond.

In a recent conversation we had I reminded Kelly of who she is, this I believe to be so incredibly important. We are not a sum total of our parenting, we are not our worries, we are magic, we are strong, we are passionate, we are inspirational.

We are different, because we chose to be.

Tell your person who they are, beneath their worries. Watch them rise.

My mantra is to say how you feel. Tomorrow isn’t promised.

Happy Birthday my KFC, I love you. Friends are the family you choose.

Ps- I wore pink tights yesterday, I needed them.

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